This episode seems slightly more upbeat than the first one, but the vibes have not lifted. Everybody is down bad, including the players in the latest Ted Lasso episode. Just from start to finish, everybody’s treading water. Some people (Rebecca) are drowning.
“(I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea” opens at Keeley’s PR firm on a mashup of Good as Hell and Lovely Day, and it slaps! Keeley (Juno Temple) is talking to her CFO, Barbara (Katy Wix), and Keeley wants to lighten things around the office since everybody’s boring. But Barbara tells her these people are as loose and light as they ever get. Keeley tries to banter with her employees on her way out, but it falls flat. Over at AFC Richmond, Ted excitedly (Jason Sudeikis) shows up at Rebecca’s office, and she’s in there with Keeley, Higgins (Jeremy Swift), and known rat turned less-of-a-rat, Trent Crimm (James Lance). For the record, I actually do like Trent. The rat moniker is affectionate, I promise. Rebecca (Hannah Waddingham) tells Ted that Trent wants to shadow the team for a book he’s writing, and she wants to give Ted the final say on whether he’s allowed to. Everybody’s gesturing to him to say no, but he says yes. Twat.
Higgins gets a message about some freak named Zava leaving some team I’ve never heard of. Zava is apparently a world-class striker (whatever that means), and he’s highly temperamental, highly sought after, and he never stays with a team for very long. He’s announced that he’s coming to England to play in the Premier League. Rebecca is not interested in pursuing him until she hears that West Ham is going to. Trent supports her being petty, and so do I. A few minutes later, downstairs, Ted asks Keeley about work, and she laments that her coworkers are boring, so Ted suggests they do something outside of work together. Ted is very fond of bonding.
Ted wanders off, and then Keeley briefly chats with Jamie (Phil Dunster). It’s a little bit awkward. But then Keeley and Roy (Brett Goldstein) talk. Isaac (Kola Bokinni) and Jamie watch them. Isaac deduces that Roy and Keeley broke up, and as we know, he’s right! Jamie follows Roy into his office after Keeley leaves, wanting to comfort him. This exchange is so fucking funny because Roy thinks he’s there to be a dick, but Jamie’s actually showing genuine “empatheh.” He even tries to hug Roy, but Roy pushes him back because “you came at me too fast.”
Ted reads a soccer strategy book in the coach’s office, but it’s not his cup of tea. He mentions Zava to Beard (Brendan Hunt) and the potential of getting him to sign with AFC Richmond. Ted still doesn’t really know who Zava is, and Beard shows him a video of Zava headbutting a thief in a supermarket. Incredible. In the locker room, the players are fussing about, so Ted and Beard go out to see what’s going on. Ted spills the beans about them possibly getting Zava, and then he spills the beans about Trent’s book. This sequence of interactions is so funny because the players are so dumb, and you can see the confusion on Ted’s face.
The players were so fired up in the first place because Isaac told them that Roy and Keeley had broken up. Beard yelps, and Ted faints. Roy comes in and says he broke up with Keeley, which makes Beard yelp again. Roy doesn’t fuckin want to talk about it, though. Trent then comes in, and Ted announces the book situation. Roy’s not having it, and he threatens everyone with a colossal headbutt if they say anything in front of Trent. As we know from season one, there is beef there.
Meanwhile, with Keeley, she is shooting a video of some sort with a lamb. According to the story of the video, the lamb will turn into a lion. To me, that indicates that the lamb is Bella Swan. While talking to the production team, Keeley runs into one of her old modeling friends, Shandy (Ambreen Razia). Shandy is great. She and Keeley have a little catchup; seeing one of Keeley’s old friends is really interesting. The production team asks Keeley to find more extras, but Shandy offers a cheap and easy way to get the shot they need. Shandy’s resourcefulness gives Keeley an idea.
Back with Rebecca, she gets a face time call from her mum Deborah (Harriet Walter), who says she’s relieved by her voice because she dreamed Rebecca had been murdered. Rebecca responds, “no, still here.” It makes me chuckle. Deborah announces that her psychic, Tish, has agreed to consider meeting with Rebecca, to which Rebecca responds very sarcastically. I mention this because she looks very pretty when she does. Deborah tells her it’s a good idea because Rebecca desperately needs maternal guidance. And yes, I did shout when she said that. Rebecca never really stood a chance, you guys.
When the call ends, Higgins tells Rebecca that Zava doesn’t want to meet with them. He will sign with Chelsea, which he thinks is a good thing. However, Rebecca worries that his announcement of where he will sign will push Rupert to pursue him even harder. And she’s right. Downstairs, Trent walks through AFC Richmond toward the locker room, and the whole time, the players pass him by and avoid speaking to him. He makes his way to Roy’s office because they’re sharing now, thanks to Ted. Trent gets a phone call, so Roy starts popping balloons to get him to leave. I’m sure you’re wondering where the balloons came from.
Over at KJPR, Keeley has hired Shandy as a consultant for client relations, and Barbara is a colossal elitist about it. Keeley is then forced to tell her off about it because that is unacceptable behavior. They then bond over snow globes in a roundabout way, and Barbara concedes a little bit. At the end of the night, in the training center parking lot, Trent tries to bury the hatchet with Roy, and Roy tells him to fuck off. Slay.
The next day, Richmond plays Chelsea, which is Roy’s old team. When Roy steps out onto the pitch, the crowd starts cheering him because they still love him. Zava (Maximillian Osinski) shows up, and the whole stadium starts cheering for him. I find this utterly goofy, but we move. Rupert’s nasty ass (Anthony Head) also shows up and sits next to Zava, which drives Rebecca up the fucking wall. She tells Keeley the story of how Rupert courted her while she was a bartender in a private club, and he was married to someone else. That man is so manipulative and slimy. I wish nothing but the worst for him, and I mean that with my whole heart.
During halftime, Trent enters the locker room while discussing strategy, and everybody goes silent. As a result, Ted makes Roy squash the beef because, honestly? It’s silly and useless. Roy does make peace with Trent, and they come to an understanding of growth. Rebecca decides that if Rupert can talk to Zava, so can she. But on her way there, she runs into Rupert, who remains the worst. It’s okay because it motivates Rebecca to follow Zava into the restroom and yell at him. She chews him out for being a chickenshit for signing with a team who can win with or without him, so he never has to wonder if he’s as good as he tells people he is. It is incredibly unhinged behavior, and I love it. Also, Zava’s piss smells like asparagus.
In the second half, Richmond scores and ties the game. This is a huge slay. At the post-game press conference with Chelsea, Zava announces he’s signing with AFC Richmond instead of signing with them or West Ham. Jamie’s the only person not pleased to have Zava joining the team because now he’s not the best player anymore.
In Richmond’s coach’s office, they’re getting ready to head home for the night. Beard is still dating Jane’s abusive ass for some reason. Ted asks Roy what it was like being back at Chelsea. Roy says it was sad, so obviously, Ted asks him why. Roy explains that during the first game of his last season there, he played like garbage even though they won the game 3-1. It was the first time he felt like he couldn’t keep up. Returning there made him wonder if he should have stayed and enjoyed himself. But he muses that that’s not who he is. Ted says, “yet,” and then reminds him that if he’d stayed, he and Ted would never have met.
That’s basically the end of the episode. Ted and Trent banter a little bit, and then it’s over. I like this episode more than the previous one, but I will still give it an 8/10 rating.
The song I would pick for this episode is Elephants As Big As Whales by PlayRadioPlay!