I’m not just an avid fan of puppetry; I’m also a known biter. So writing this article has been extremely important to me, because the world needs to know some of the television characters who I believe deserve a nice little nibble. Preferably, from me. I identify with some of these characters on a personal level; others of them are just so girlboss-supreme-slay that I couldn’t not bite them if given the opportunity.
Before we begin, let me say that this list of TV characters I would bite is not in order of who Most Bitable. Nor is it exhaustive. There are plenty more I’d love to bite; these ten are simply the ones I thought of first. So let me know if you want a Part Two (because I’ll probably write one either way).
1. Dr. Maura Isles
Dr. Maura Isles (Sasha Alexander) was everything to me from ages 15-21. I remember when Rizzoli & Isles premiered during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of high school. I was already a TNT girly thanks to Charmed (the best show ever, and one that we’ll come back to shortly). From Maura’s introduction as the Chief ME, looking like a runway model to showing up at a crime scene in the middle of the night to her sexually charged nose-resetting moment with Jane Rizzoli at said crime scene, everything about her is fabulous and dorky and genius and I adore her. I actually almost became her, but that’s another story. Until it’s time to tell it, a bite on the shoulder for Dr. Isles.
2. Dr. Dana Scully
Dana “I’m a medical doctor” Scully (Gillian Anderson), my little meow meow. I think Scully is so funny, which that’s the main reason she’s on this list. The way she puts up with Mulder is hilarious most of the time. And despite The X-Files‘ narrative often treating her like garbage, Scully is a really strong character who is also easy to identify with. Especially if you’re the grounded person in a close duo. One of my favorite Scully episodes is “Syzygy” because she was just extra aggravated in that one – and yes, that’s the point, but I just love it. A bite on the neck for Scully.
3. Lafayette Reynolds
Lafayette Reynolds, played by the late Nelson Ellis, is an incredible gem of a character. Authentic and flamboyant without coming off as a stereotype or a joke, Lafayette is possibly the best character on True Blood. I say “possibly” only because he and his cousin Tara are neck-and-neck. He’s vivacious; hilarious; protective; can fight; and starts the show off with a healthy disinterest in the supernatural. He’s also simply loyal and will go to bat for anyone he loves, and he has some of the best one liners of anyone in the entire show. A bite on the wrist for Lafayette.
Lilith (Michelle Gomez) is perhaps the most unhinged character on this list. And I love that for her. She is known as Satan’s mistress and the mother of demons, but she strives to become Lucifer’s queen – in other words, his equal. Of course, Lucifer has no intention of letting that happen, because Lilith already does everything he asks despite him being horrible to her for literal millennia. The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina takes Lilith on an interesting journey – one I don’t always agree with, but one that lets Gomez turn in a performance both mesmerizing and hysterical. Her angry outbursts and her habit of popping up out of literally nowhere are a treat to watch. A bite on the chest for Lilith.
5. Emily Prentiss
Emily Prentiss (Paget Brewster), my beloved. I love this character so much, it’s sick. She is so annoying and funny and nosey and out of her mind. She does the most insane stuff sometimes; it’s incredible. Criminal Minds introduces her character as sort-of-but-not-quite a replacement for Elle Greenaway, who had to be written out of the show after Lola Glaudini moved on. I loved Emily right away, and every reckless shenanigan and new thing we learned about her only made me love that much more. Imagine being an ex-spy with an international arms dealer gunning for you – you, specifically! Gosh, what a woman. A bite on the thigh for Emily.
6. Jessica Pearson
The most girlboss-supreme-slay character on this list by far. Jessica Pearson (Gina Torres) is sensational. Nobody’s doing it like her. She starts Suits as managing partner of the corporate law firm Pearson-Hardman and the mentor of Harvey Specter (Gabriel Macht). I know seeing a black woman as the boss of a corporate law firm isn’t as progressive as it might sound, but I enjoy it. Jessica is no-nonsense, funny, and so consistently one step ahead of everyone else that she could never be anything but a genuine delight to watch. By Suits‘ nature and its entire premise, Jessica’s character went on a rollercoaster of a journey, and even ended up starring in Pearson, her very own spin-off. As she should. A bite on the neck for Jessica.
7. Rebecca Welton
Rebecca Welton (Hannah Waddingham), my moon and my stars. What can I say about her that we haven’t said already? She is the main character of Ted Lasso, despite the title. She’s an incredibly wealthy woman who won ownership of a Premier League football team in her divorce and at first tries to run it into the ground to spite her abusive, cheating ex-husband. The show sets Rebecca up as a sympathetic villain, but it becomes clear almost immediately that she’s just a very hurt, very angry person who’s never been treated well by the people closest to her. Far from an ice queen who hates everything, Rebecca Welton is really a soft little marshmallow who is trying, in spite of everything she’s been through, to heal and become her own person. Several bites in several places for Rebecca.
8. Piper Halliwell
In middle school, I tried so badly to model my personality after Piper (Holly Marie Combs). Well, her and Wednesday Addams, but I digress. I thought Piper was so cool and badass and funny, plus she had the coolest powers out of all the Charmed Ones. She was the middle sister in a trio of Halliwells (and later the eldest) who discover they’re from a long lineage of very powerful witches. Which is also when they get their powers. Piper ends up with the ability of temporal status, meaning she can stop time. Later on in Charmed‘s run, she develops molecular combustion, which is another way of saying she can blow things up. Is that not the coolest thing you’ve ever heard? Piper, you’re still everything to me. A bite on the bicep for Piper.
9. Amalia True
I’m going to tell you right now that Amalia True (Laura Donnelly) is not Amalia True, but I’m also not blasting that spoiler off in this article because you need to go watch The Nevers on HBO Max to figure out what I’m talking about. The show is set in Victorian London in 1899, three years after a phenomenon resulted in a portion of the London population becoming Touched with preternatural gifts. Amalia’s gift is seeing out-of-context glimpses of the future, like Raven Baxter. Amalia is the most mysterious individual on this list; even now, with the benefit of hindsight and deadlines, I can’t really describe her. But it’s clear that even among the Touched, who are being persecuted by the society’s normal people (losers), Amalia sticks out. It helps the show as well as my infatuation that she’s also an incredible fighter and gets insane fight scenes. And she’s kind of nuts. A bite on the ribs for Amalia.
10. Kalinda Sharma
The girls that get it get it, and the girls who don’t don’t. The Good Wife‘s Kalinda Sharma (Archie Panjabi) almost needs no introduction at this point. (But just in case you’re still uninitated: Kalinda Sharma is the in-house investigator for the Stern, Lockhart, Garner law firm.) She is That Girl; she is the moment; she is the most legendary. Something needs doing over at the silly little law firm? Kalinda took care of it weeks ago. Kalinda’s always on it. Kalinda has never done anything wrong in her life and is my favorite edgy bisexual. She was too good for everyone on The Good Wife. This is not up for debate. A bite on the neck for Kalinda.