Good day, everyone! I welcome you all to Blame It On The Alcohol, a Jester’s Privilege piece where I’ll list off some fictional characters and how many shots of alcohol it’ll take before I fuck them. There’s some potential here for this to become a regular feature, with submissions from YOU! the reader, being included in the fun, because that’s when it really gets wild. Instead, this first round of characters has been submitted by my fellow Screen Speck staff members, so there’s a perfect mix of the sexy and the “what the fuck” to antagonize me with. Let’s begin.
Roman Roy, Succession
Number of shots: 🥃🥃
Two shots to get the edge off and prepare myself for whatever weird shit’s going to come out of Roman’s mouth if we even make it far enough to fuck, considering how Roman’s weird about sex. There’s a lot to unpack there! And I hope one day Succession does unpack what’s going on in that little gremlin brain of his and why he seems to only be able to get one off when he’s on his own. Chances are, we wouldn’t even end up fucking – instead, we’d get drunk and talk about how much we hate Kendall.
Roy Kent, Ted Lasso
Number of shots: 🥃
Just one shot. To get me feelin’ buzzed, because I know that Roy fucking Kent knows how to move his hips so it feels like his dick’s got a curve in it. In fact, I know that Fozzie Bear Fuzzy Fuck can use his hips and his mouth and I’d like to remember every moment of it and too much alcohol would ruin that. He’s here! He’s there! He’s everyfuckingwhere (including inside of me).
Niles Crane, Frasier
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃
Eight shots. First of all, ew. Second of all, as if Maris would share. And if this is in the Daphne era? Even worse off. To quote Mariana, my fellow Screen Speck EIC, “Niles counts as a woman.” He’s like, 90 pounds soaking wet; to me, there’s nothing sexy about him, he’s too effeminate for my liking…but I do think he’d be an attentive lover. So that’s a plus, right?
Laszlo Cravensworth, What We Do In The Shadows
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃
Ten shots! Not because I would need convincing, but because I know Nadja would kill me and I want to be so far gone that I don’t feel any of it. That’s literally the only reason.
Nadja of Antipaxos, What We Do in the Shadows
Number of shots: None!
I want to feel it when Nadja sinks her teeth into my neck, because that’s definitely what’s going to happen at the end of the night. I think it’s a beautiful way to go, and I want to remember every moment of her sucking me dry – no pun intended.
Gabriel from Malignant
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃 (52)
I still haven’t seen Malignant, so I had to google Gabriel to see what this monster looks. He does make me anxious. Unlike our editor, Sam, who suggested him, I am not a monster fucker. If I were going to fuck this dude, I’d have to be blackout drunk, because I don’t want to remember any of it. (You might also need to feed Gabrial 52 shots to keep them from killing you outright before you could fuck at all –ed.)
The Tiddy Monster from Barbarian (aka The Mother)
Number of shots: Zero. None.
I would literally rather she explode my eyeballs the way she did Justin Long‘s. Next.
C.C. Babcock, The Nanny
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃
She’s so mean, it’s sexy. Three shots because I would be nervous. But it sure as hell would be a night to remember!
Will Schuester, Glee
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃
Ya’ll are so sick for some of these suggestions. If I HAD to fuck this man, it would have to happen on the operating table while I simultaneously got my stomach pumped free of all the alcohol I had to consume to do it in the first place. In this scenario, I hope I’d throw up on him – it’s the least I can do as punishment for Will’s various war crimes. This man should be in JAIL, not teaching high school students to gyrate to Cisco. NEXT!!
Miss Trunchbull, Matilda (Emma Thompson version)
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃
Our staff writer Simone thought that she would be funny with this one. As everyone on staff knows, I am our resident Emma Thompson stan, and will automatically lay claim on anything she’s in for coverage purposes. With that being said, I would still need a dozen shots to fuck Thompson’s Miss Trunchbull.
Sue Sylvester, Glee
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃 (Three dozen plus one more for good measure)
It’d be an interesting night, to say the least.
Florence “Sassy” Collins, Ted Lasso
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃
Sassy is a polarizing character in the Ted Lasso fandom. You pretty much either love her or hate her – and either response is interesting considering she’s had like, five minutes of screen time total. That being said: I’d need three shots. She’s kinda of hot…but also a little scary. Yes, she’s emotionally manipulative, but aren’t we all? (On the inside at least?) I think it’d be a fun night. And it would never be spoken about again, mainly because Sassy wouldn’t show up again until I was going through something emotionally, at which point I would try to avoid her at all costs. Then she’d probably corner me, and I’d have to be like “We’re not doing this again,” and then she’d tell me to get fucked or something.
Sophia Petrillo, Golden Girls
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃
Not because we’d fuck – to me, that would be elder abuse – but because we’d sit around drinking and talking about all the people we hate.
Lilith Sternin, Cheers and Frasier
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃🥃
Lilith is mean. And scary. But also sexy. I’d need four shots to really get me feeling buzzed and loose enough to not be afraid of her. She’s also high-key gay as hell, so it would be so fun for us both. And if we don’t fuck, we get to shit talk Frasier. It’s a win-win!
Barry B. Benson, Bee Movie
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃
BEE for real. How would that even work? Does he fly up my coochie? Does he sting me in the clit? Sounds like a terrible experience overall.
Number of shots: No alcohol necessary
Ted Lasso can fuck. Let’s get that out of the way. And I would fuck him 100% sober. God gave him that PBN (pussy-burying nose) for a reason: to use while he’s putting his mouth to work. Not only would he be an attentive and eager-to-please lover, you know damn well you’d have a fun time, too, because there’s no way you’re not coming without laughing a few times first. And let’s be real: the best sex is with people you can laugh with while it’s happening. Also, I think a hug from him would cure my depression. If my Lexapro can’t fix me, Ted Lasso sure as fuck can!
Rebecca Welton, Ted Lasso
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃 (for HER)
Rebecca would be the one needing the shots to get drunk enough to fuck ME. I, on the other hand, would fuck her sober. All she has to do is ask. Jason Sudeikis knew exactly what he was doing when he made Rebecca the first character the audience meets on Ted Lasso. I watched Season 1 in one sitting, and I didn’t live-tweet it out of spite: everyone was being so fucking annoying about it that I didn’t want anyone who was already trying to force me to watch it to know I’d actually started. So I kept my thoughts in a note on my phone. The very first thing I wrote? “Rebecca hot.” My life has never been the same. She’s literally the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen. I’m not exaggerating when I say I would answer her every beck and call.
Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth
Number of shots: 🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃
Stop trying to get me to fuck monsters!!! Looking at some of them makes me anxious!!!!! I’ve never seen this movie; why are his eyes on his hands?!?!?! Why does his neck have so much skin!?!?!?! I have many questions and NO answers!!!
And that’s it for the first edition of Blame it On the Alcohol! Perhaps we’ll be back in a few months with another one – it depends on whether or not I get some fun suggestions from YOU, our dear beloved readers! If you stuck around this long, I’d fuck you sober. Consensually, of course.